Heat Wave

A busy Scouting weekend for me.

Yesterday, I spent the day in a marquee making totum poles with Beavers from all over the county of Humberside.

Today, we have celebrated the opening of the new Scout Hut with a small craft fair and some other stalls. For which I ran a stick picking game. We even made a small profit.

Tomorrow, I am due to begin fasting again. I'm just not feeling it. Hope that will shift by the morning. I find myself being dragged down by my mood. Second guessing other people's comments and reading into them.

Facebook is a dangerous place for a depressive person. You see things and read things then can't help but wish that it was you or your life. Then you crash further.

You get fixated on little things. Obsessed even. It's not healthy. Finding competition where there probably isn't any. Yet you still want to win. Problem is... if there is no competition there is no chance of winning so it feels like a loss. So you drop even deeper.

How do you you find that spark that can break you free from the quick sand? Saying still isn't an option but moving creates agitation and a sinking feeling.

I have been trying the ostrich method of ignoring it in the hope it would make it better. That's stopped working for me now. So has keeping busy. For now I focus on the kids. The children that scouting helps as well as my own. After that only one option remains to remove myself from my main itch... which will effect far too many other people who will need explanations from this crazy woman.

Well there's an insight into my strange little mind for today.

Anxiety and Depression

I attempt to not be down in my blog posts. But this is an issue I couldn't keep quiet about any longer.

There is nothing abnormal or sub par about being anxious and on many occasions this is a useful feature. However, in some cases it is detrimental. Being overly introspective can lead to other apprehensions (including mixing with others) it affects so many other parts of life, including reducing attention and overall performance in everyday activities.

Usually the feeling of anxiety and stress are a response to pressure of some sort. The worse the pressure - the worse the anxiety felt. It can just be one problem or, as is often very common, an accumulation of things.

This is my own personal battle. In my case it’s often brought about by secrets. I tend not to deal well when I have too many details that I can’t act on. I am a person who troubleshoots. Action keeps my anxiety at bay (with the help of medication - but that is a topic for another day). I am currently in the middle of a process that I am not in control of and really can’t talk about openly and will not until I have all the facts.

Depression on the other hand can sneak upon a person without formally introducing itself. Unless you have suffered it is also very hard to describe the feeling it manifests to an outsider. It takes a certain amount of acceptance to be able to see there is a problem and move on. Not always medicated and often misdiagnosed between 5% and 10% of the population suffer from a version of depression that needs support, and at some point in our lifetime 20% of us will have a depressive episode of some description.

Being depressed is not a person being weak. It also rarely occurs alone. As they say misery loves company, and frequently depression arrives part and parcel with other problems, for example an anxiety disorder.

After many years of self doubt and pondering, also after suffering with post natal depression I went to see my GP again. This time I was taken seriously, and instead of being sent off to a counsellor (as I was after my mother died) I was given support. I filled out a form about how I how feeling and how my feelings were affecting my day to day life. We discovered that I need routine, I don’t cope well if there is no structure to my day. I completed the PHQ-9 which pin pointed how I felt and if I was classed as suicidal. At times, yes I was. At times, I still am. But, I fight on for my children. They do not deserve the pain that a flash of a dark idea would forever leave them with.

I was lucky, I was given anti-anxiety medication. It worked first time. The same dose still works now. I sometimes think I’m ‘better’ and stop taking the tablets. Then the tricky times come back. They affect me severely, and everyone around me too. I can be self destructive and secretive about this. It is no way to live. I have a chemical imbalance. It’s not my fault. It is how I am wired.

Right now I am fighting a desire to hide from the world, to live in a small box where no one and nothing can hurt me or my family. This is not practical. I have small children, a job and other roles dependant on me.  I have to remember why I started my Glitter and Sparkle project for this year.

We (fellow sufferers) fight on through our desires to keep on living with these disorders day to day. Many will not share with those around them that they are suffering. These are often the people who need the most help. But talking about a situation or what they are thinking can also be counter productive. Writing this and putting my beliefs out in the blog sphere is right for me. It will not be right for everyone.

If you know someone who suffers. Take it one day at a time. Let them dictate the pace. However, if you believe that this person is unaware of their suffering, please at least try and let them know. There are many people out there who can help and systems in place.

This is treatable, and we don’t have to suffer in silence.